False Ground

After I left him

I was traveling fast over false ground

Of dating sites and profiles

Trying to manifest him

Really fast

Pushing, pushing,

Exhaustion 

More texts

More reading and clicking and swiping

Dates were set up

Hoping, wanting, 

Disappointments,

More disappointments

Ups and downs

The hopes, excitement, barely stopping or resting

Trying to create the love I desire without rest

Like a job, no rest 

Just trying, pushing, responding, initiating

Abandoning myself

Leaving me behind

Angry, sad, hopeful

Assumptions and stories are created from nothing real

Not being ok until I find him

Then the covid 19 virus

All of it ends, everything ends

More false ground

Calling him to come over

Fear of being alone though the pandemic

Wanting someone I know to be with

His arms feel like home

For a minute..

I am running away from me, 

Again

Going to Kara’s

Needing to go there to help

But really it was a comfort to be needed

Then more virus shutdowns

Can’t see him anyway, he is dangerous to my soul

Now the false ground cracks open like a dry desert

Revealing a glimpse of the real ground

But it is very rocky

Not smooth at all

But a few weeks passes and the smooth comes

More real, more real ground is emerging

I am finally ok with me

I am ok

Resting, more resting, 

Can I create something with the virus going on?

But the painting reveals the true ground

There is a flower coming up though the false ground

I can create, I can be free, I can be ok, even now during covid.