Covid-19

Desperate in Covid-19 

I was afraid

It was coming, the pandemic

I knew I would be alone and I wanted to feel safe

So I called him

It was so good after all those months 

The hugging, touching

The smell of him

It was like coming home

Until it wasn’t 

All the reasons I left him in Kauai were right there, again

After only one day

It was time for him to go

To be quiet, to take his focus off of me

After he went home, I again felt free

Not guilty because I get tired of his neediness

He needs so much

So much attention, approval and encouragement

Feels so weary, heavy

But the pandemic is real and I am alone

He calls me every night, like he used to

I allow it

It keeps me from feeling so scared and alone

But it is not him I want 

I want love, connection, to admire someone

I want us, we 

And to be able to be me, when I am with “we”

I must let him go again

Even though I am so afraid of the quiet of this house 

And no one to check on me

No one to take care of me if I get sick

But I am not sick and I am stopping the 

Real we from coming

I want to keep him, while finding the “we”

But I must do it and face alone to have we. 

To have we I want

I need to be ok with just me

For now